I know a man named Otis who invented a room, 
And his heart was filled with pride. 
I said to Mr. Otis, "What does your room do?" 
He said, "It goes from side to side." 
So I said, "Mr. Otis, if you take my advice, 
You'll be the richest man in town. 
You gotta take that room that goes from side to side, 
and make it go up and down." 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
I sincerely doubt that the world could do without 
My good advice. 

Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day. 
His face was all sunburned and red. 
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a tree, 
Because an apple might fall on his head. 
I said, "Sir Isaac, you dumbbell! Take my advice. 
Go right back there and sleep beneath that tree. 
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head, 
why, you'll discover gravity!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
The world's a better place since I gave the human race 
My good advice. 

A man named Mr. Waterman invented a tube. 
He was sad because it sprung a little leak. 
He said, "Darn it! When I hold my tube on a piece of paper, 
the ink leaks out and makes a little streak!" 
He said, "I've gotta find a way to stop that leak. 
I'll start working on my leak-proof tube again." 
I said, "Waterman, you idiot! Don't stop that leak! 
You just invented a fountain pen!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
I'm so worldly wise, I should get the Nobel Prize 
for Good Advice! 

Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man. 
He worked all night and all day. 
I said, "Henry, whatcha doin'?" and Henry, he said, 
"I'm inventing the Chevrolet." 
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models, 
One for each letter from A to Z." 
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet!" 
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
It's humble as can be, and it's absolutely free. 
My good advice. 

Wilbur and Orville were two brothers named Wright, 
the nicest pair of kids you've ever seen. 
They worked twelve years on a secret project. 
They thought it was a washing machine. 
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings for?" 
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry." 
I said, "You fools! Take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk, 
And see if the darn thing'll fly!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
I'm so smart that I'm gonna win a Guggenheim, 
For good advice! 

One more time! 

Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man. 
He was always flying his kite. 
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?" 
He said, "Because it's raining tonight!" 
I said, "Benjy, sweetie, you go right back out there, 
and to your kite string, tie a key! 
This may shock you, Benjy my boy, 
But that's electricity!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
I'll remodel you if you'll only listen to 
My good advice. 

Ooka Magook was a Neanderthal man, 
A very poorly educated soul. 
He had a great big square thing made of solid stone, 
And in the middle of it was a hole. 
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez 
To his uncle's cave in Mobile. 
I said, "Round off those corners, and buy a set of tires, 
and Ooky baby, that's a wheel!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
Harvard offered me a Phi Beta Kappa key 
For good advice. 

Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house. 
He was a very nosy fellow, so it seems. 
He had no chairs, so he made all his friends stand around all day, 
And tell him all their secrets and their dreams. 
Well, while they stood there talking 'til they got fallen arches, 
They yelled, "My feet are killing me! Ouch!" 
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize you've got a gold mine here?! 
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
Every word you're told will be 18-karat gold, 
That's good advice. 

Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence 
With some wood, and a long piece of wire. 
He said, "There's something strange going on around here. 
I keep hearing the voice of Uncle Myer!" 
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker," (that was my little joke) 
"With that wire you got the world in your power. 
Just get a mouthpiece, and an earpiece, and a piece in between, 
And you'll sponsor The Telephone Hour!" 
And that was good advice, good advice! 
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price. 
Every word ya hear is the message of the year! 
It's good advice! 

Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class 
When I told him that the Indies could be found 
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the East. 
I advised him that I thought the world was round. 
(I really thought so.) 
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella 
To pawn her jewels for all their worth. 
Next day he set sail, and as everyone knows, 
He fell off the edge of the Earth. 
Well, that was bad advice, bad advice! 
Bad advice is just the same as good advice. 
Everybody makes occasional mistakes, 
And that was bad advice!